Using star signs to understand your boss and co-workers

The following information is for entertainment purposes only, it is really not recommended to hire and fire or date people, based purely on their star sign.

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The Aires Boss

Often found at the top of any enterprise. Their extreme selfishness and relentless determination will not allow them to end up standing stagnant on any mid corporate mountain peak. The Aires Manager will stop at nothing to get what they want and use anyone to get where they are going. Their quick mind and leadership ability allows them to make snap decisions, and they often make decisions for the sake of making decisions even when decisions don’t need to be made, just to prove that they are decision making individuals. This tactic works well, as a certain criteria for corporate leadership is decision making ability. Anyone aspiring for progress within the corporate world will quickly realise that it really doesn’t matter if you make a useless decision it is your ability to make decisions that wins the race. Middle management and co-workers are in such awe that someone has actually made a decision that they completely overlook the outcome and just get fixated on the enigma of action. If the Aires Managers’ assistant is attractive they will make it another of their goals to sleep with their staff member and will mark this in their performance development review as successfully conquering their work/life balance target. If the assistant is not attractive, the Aires manager will probably forget their name and be too self-focused to find out what it is.

The Aires Assistant and Co-Worker

A repressed and frustrated individual, not a natural position for an Aires to assist anyone but themselves. Even in the role of assistant the Aires will boss others around and take all opportunities for exposure, promotion and benefits from their co-workers. It is recommended never to have more than one Aires in a team. An Aires assistant or co-worker, if it will assist them in advancement, will definitely sleep with anyone in the company.

Aires idea of Team Building & Bonus rewards

Drop your team members off in combat gear and weapons, in the middle of the bush. The first one to make it back to the office alive is the winner. There will be no need to offer a reward, the sheer provocation of challenge will put them in high gear and achieve the desired result.

Bonus schemes are non-existent with an Aires Manager as they have no idea what the word share means and will keep all company profits and benefits for themselves.

Tip for Picking up an Aires at Work

If you are a workplace nobody and can’t get any, it would be wise to pose as a Manager at a work function. You will definitely be able to pick up an Aires this way.

The Taurus Boss

Too lazy to be a worker and too lazy to reach for the stars, the Taurus employee is your quintessential middle manager. Often content to plod along and maintain the status-quo, they pose no obvious threat to the more ambitious signs and can often be used as stable stepping stones. Lovers of the good life, it pays to keep a close eye on their company expenditure, which will often show an overabundance of food and beverage expenses. They endeavour to keep their staff content by feeding them and use any reason whatsoever as an occasion to order in sausage rolls and muffins. Don’t expect any opportunity for progression within the company if you belong to a Taurus manager, being overly possessive a Taurus manager will not support any of their team members moving on and will take it personally, as though you are breaking up with them. Owing to their hedonistic nature, the Taurus managers’ team will often be the best looking department in the company because they only employ good looking people and unlike the Aires Manager who finds it a challenge to sleep with their staff, the Taurus Manager, will only employee someone they are already sleeping with. Taurus will not expend energy pursuing anything unless it’s a life and death situation.

Taurus Assistants and Co-workers

A definite plus for any organisation, these loyal, dedicated and uncomplaining work horses, continue putting in the hard yards, while other more frivolous signs waste away company time and money. Serious and anal, the Taurus worker is often labelled one of the most boring employees in the company, often unfair and undeserved. It is more that Taurus is not suited to staid and uncreative environment however they are too stuck in their routine and comfort zone to do anything about it. The Taurus assistant or co-worker will sleep with anyone in the company that is good looking regardless of their position. If a Taurus is getting lots of sex outside of work, they will consider they have achieved their work/life balance goal.

Taurus Idea of Team Building & Bonus rewards

Team building outings, without exception will be breakfast, lunch and dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town including a morning tea break of sausage rolls and muffins.

Small token bonus rewards are offered with any money left over that hasn’t been spent on food and wine. Team members will watch in horror as their efforts of a long hard year of scrimping and saving in every area possible to achieve the status of the most cost effective department, are blown on one bottle of premium wine of which the Taurus manager will drink most of.

Tip for Picking up a Taurus Employee at Work

Don’t embarrass yourself, Do Not Go Cheap! Take them out for long lunch that involves copious amounts of top quality food and wine and then promise a massage at expensive hotel room which has room service

The Gemini Boss

Never to be found in their office doing work, can be located at each and every meeting regardless of being invited or not, gathering more information and ideas to pass off as their own at their performance management review. The Gemini Manager believes his verbal dexterity is fooling everyone into thinking them a superior intellect. It’s more that people can’t be bothered contesting the useless barrage of crap that pours from their mouth at every opportunity. The Gemini Manager will tell everyone in the company that they are sleeping with everyone in the company, whether this is true or not. The most useful contribution a Gemini Manager can offer is for others to use them as the company’s historical encyclopaedia.

The Gemini Assistant or Co-Worker

A Gemini assistant or co-worker is always good to have on the team, especially if you are in a management role and need to keep abreast of who’s touching who’s breasts and other useful company information. The Gemini will feign friendship and interest with all walks of life within the company and although they are primarily seeking news and information to further their own position, their inability to keep their mouths shut will ensure you are well informed. No bribing is necessary, all it takes is a subtle hint that you may be privy to something they don’t know. In an attempt to prove that you couldn’t possibly know more than them, they will tell you everything they have ever heard. The Gemini assistant or co-worker will want to sleep with anyone in the company so that they can talk about it with everyone however no-one in the company wants to sleep with them.

Gemini idea of Team Building & Bonus rewards.

Geminis’ enjoy team building events that include sitting around talking about the idea of a team building event and who’s sleeping with whom.

The Gemini Manager’s department is never allocated funds for bonus incentives as their departments never produce anything tangible that result in company profit.

Tip for picking up a Gemini Employee at Work

Tell them that you have the ability of bringing someone to orgasm purely through conversation

The Cancerian Boss

The Cancerian Manager will attempt to run their departments as though they are the head of a big family. This will initially appear very attractive and comforting to anyone working with them, as you will believe you’ve finally found someone who cares more about you than the company and that they will really be there for you when you need them. You will soon learn however that the Cancerians style is smothering and born from a desire to control everyone they ever meet. Going to the toilet will even become a problem as the Cancerian manager finds themselves breaking into a cold sweat at the thought of not knowing where you are and what you’re doing. Realising that it is indeed the Cancerian manager that needs you more than you need them, you will start to look for opportunities outside of their domain. While leaving a Taurus manager’s department is difficult, leaving a Cancerian’s is impossible, expect tears and accusations of disloyalty. A Cancerian manager will sleep with their assistant strongly believing they are cementing a long term relationship.

The Cancerian Assistant and Co-worker

These workers will spend most of their time in the HR office crying and whining to the HR officer that no-one understands them. They piss everyone else in the team off because no-one can do anything without having to involve them, for fear of being balled out for not liking them. They are good however for listening to you when you are upset and will often spend hour upon hour of company time talking about relationship issues, both theirs and yours. They are good workers if they are emotionally tied to their manager or the company in some way, however their dark and sullen moods which appear every other day and their obsession with people disliking them, can leave you feeling like your working with a paranoid schizophrenic. A Cancerian male has no problem reporting to a female manager as long as she has huge breasts. A Cancerian co-worker will sleep with someone they have known for a long time and forged a strong bond, but it is not to have sex, it is just to lie in bed and cuddle.

Cancerian idea of Team Building & Bonus rewards.

A Cancerian, manager or team member will more than likely suggest that everyone from the department comes over to their house to cook a meal together and watch friends re-runs.

The Cancerian manager will pay you a bonus, out of their own salary if you promise never ever to leave them.

Tips for picking up a Cancerian Employee at Work

Tell them that for you, quickies have always ended up in a long term relationship

The Leo Boss

Another natural leadership position, the Leo manager doesn’t understand the concept of serving others and will have long and established connections in places one does not wish to tackle. Probably related to the CEO, they will usually be handed their managerial role on a silver platter and will assume that you are delighted to be working for someone as amazing and good looking as them. Productivity is irrelevant as the Leo’s ability to market themselves convinces everyone that they are indeed the best person for the job. People are usually frightened of Leos, so the Leo’s team appears to be full of efficient and respectful employees, when really they are just shit scared. Leo managers already know that you want to sleep with them, so they have written it into your employment contract and expect you to talk about how good they are in bed when you do your performance development review. If you make your Leo manager your life, you have in their eyes achieved your work/life balance goal.

The Leo Assistant and Co-worker

A company can take or leave the Leo employee. Good at promotion and marketing if you pay them well and make them believe there’s the possibility of stardom from attending your corporate networking event, other than that they are a complete waste of time, spending the entire day in the toilets looking at themselves in the mirror and talking about themselves to all other company employees.

Leo idea of Team Building & Bonus rewards.

Leo’s will enjoy a day of posing for photographs taken by a few lucky team members of which the Leo deems worthy.

The Leo manager considers they are giving you a bonus by letting you sleep with them. They are well aware that you would want them to have your share of company profit and know they are ultimately repaying you by providing you with something as aesthetically pleasing as themselves on a daily basis.

Tips for picking up a Leo Employee at Work

Tell them that they are without a doubt the best looking person in the company and you bet that they are amazing in the sack, if only there was a way to prove it

The Virgo Boss

While the hardworking, perfectionist qualities of the Virgo usually result in them being offered managerial roles, they fail to rise to the challenge due to an excessive amount of worry and insecurity in their staff not being able to perform at the ridiculously high standards the Virgo sets for themselves and everyone else. This often includes other areas of the company of which they have nothing to do with. No-one wants to work for the Virgo Manager, their nit-picking and critical manner gets everyone offside and their no-one can do it better than me air, means their workers leave all the work for them to do while they all go to the pub. The Virgo Manager then constantly complains that they have to do everything around here, which only encourages everyone else to believe they actually are just an assistant and actually should be given everything to do. Office Facilities planning usually situates the Virgo Manager’s office right at the end of the corridor, on their own, near the toilets, so that they can keep an eye on whether they are being cleaned properly or not. They sometimes leave the company and no-one notices.

The Virgo Assistant and Co-worker

Every corporate conglomerate needs a handful. Here you have the epitome of assistant. This tireless worker, who thrives on delivery, completion, achievement, praise and will carry out the task assigned by you, or for that matter anyone, just to hear the words “perfect”. Perfect job, well done, I’ve never seen anything like it. Not only will they carry out tasks assigned, but they will clean your desk too and make sure that you are eating a healthy lunch and drinking plenty of water, they will run to the chemist for you at the hint of a headache and you can trust them with your pin number. Quite possibly the best assistant you will ever employ. Co-workers hate them because they complain a lot about everything, but this doesn’t bother the Virgo as they have come to work to work and are too busy to make friends. As long as the manager is telling everyone that they do a perfect job, they will stay in that role forever, without looking for advancement. If they leave the whole department falls apart. They will sleep with managers who are clean and tidy and have no food stuck in their teeth.

Virgo idea of Team Building & Bonus rewards.

The Virgo’s idea of team building is to take their staff to the CEOs house and clean their yard and pool and then come back to the office and disinfect all the bins.

The Virgo Manager is happy to give a bonus to their staff, they do however need to scale it on a 1 to 10 level of perfection and place every one of their workers somewhere on this scale. This task however, needs to be done perfectly and can often take a good six months to complete. The Virgo Managers’ employees wait a long time to receive their bonus.

Tips for picking up a Virgo employee at Work

Talk about how, although your personal hygiene standards are above reproach, your bedroom is a little messy and too embarrassing to bring anyone home. The Virgo will come home with you, clean your room and screw you too